You know what I can't stand?

I can't stand it when someone asks you to do something and then goes ahead and does it themselves.  It is so belittling. Why even bother to ask me to do it and waste my time if you going to duplicate the effort and resources anyway.  Yesh!

Today started out bad, I'm mean my mood was in the toilet.  I was wondering why I was even still on this earth.  Why anything that I've done, created, manifested, even matters. I did some soul searching - some spiritual counting to the proverbial 10 - and shower and a trip to Target - and as the day went on, I started to feel a little better.  I was looking forward to a change in scenery, to a relaxing, do nothing weekend at the beach.  Well, so much for that.  A simple question turned into a lack of respect, turned into a full out temper tantrum, coupled with some cosmic bullshit from the furlough  fuck-tards and here I am back in a foul mood.  And so is everyone around me.  Hell bent on making this the most annoying day ever!

Unreasonable - not guided by or based on good sense - wow if that doesn't define someone
Unyielding - inflexible - this too!
There\'s more, but I jut can't do any more complaining today.  There's enough left in me for tomorrow!

Today sucks.

So, today sucks.  I feel like crap inside and out. How did I get here?  I've been thinking... It all started several decades ago.  I was in my 20s and reckless, looking for love or something like love, more like affection, or just attention really.  Something or someone to acknowledge that I was alive and worth something.  Shhh, don't tell anyone, but I think I'm still searching for that :(

Well, that searching let to some bad behaviors.  I often confused sex for love - or at least gave it in return for love that I never found. I was a really lost little girl looking for someone to take care of me, I still am.

Fast forward a few years and I met someone who seemed a bit more stable than the others - at least played the game better.  He worked hard, made money and seemed to genuinely care for me.  So, I married him.  He was never perfect, actually far from it.  He was, and still is, a volatile individual. For many years our schedules were such that we only really saw each other on Sundays and briefly throughout the week, so we endured the disagreements and full out fights. Then, we decided to have children.  This was not flip decision, we had been trying and it didn't seem to be working 'naturally', so we enlisted the help of professionals.  Lots of time, anxiety, energy and money later, we had a fine baby boy.  I was smitten and he adored him. Then, surprise, three-ish years later, all on our own, we found out about baby number two - unbelievable!  We were ecstatic, everything they told us to do we had done... buy a home, have a couple of kids, get a bigger house with a hard, mini-van, the whole enchilada.  It was good for awhile, and then it was really bad.

When Soph got sick, the world stopped.  All of our plans came to a screeching halt. nothing mattered other than keeping those kids safe and getting Soph healthy again.  After a grueling 18 months, she recovered.  Then the real fun began.  She was in and out of the hospital over the next several years with one ailment or another.  Zach had his own issues with school, mental health, etc..  Then once Soph's medical issues seemed to subside, the behavioral stuff took hold (along with puberty) and the world got hard again.  The medical stuff was easy in comparison.  When your kid has cancer, everyone rallies around and tried to help, doctors, nurses, and other healthcare folks come out of the woodworks to help you cope.  But once you're deemed, "cured" you're on your own to figure out toe aftermath of that trauma that is now your life.

The aftermath is empty.  It's full of doctors that don't talk to each other, that require me to keep track of everything.  And everyone else doesn't stop living, or getting sick, or having problems while we work through the aftermath.  It all just keeps on moving forward on this great conveyor belt.  Like at the airport, but without those breaks in the side rails to get off and walk occasionally.  The belt keeps on moving, not matter what, and sometimes, just for kicks it seems, it speeds up!  Add a dysfunctional - likely mismatched - marriage to the mix and you've got a cocktail for agony.

My marriage has never been ideal.  We don't agree on much and when we do it' usually because one of us caves and does what the other wants - feels like me most of the time, but probably more balanced than I think.  I used to have fun, do fun things, be creative, laugh, tell jokes, and really enjoy life.  Now, I just live it - waiting for the end of each day so I can put my head on the pillow and sleep to do it all again tomorrow.  I do most things because I have to, not because I want to.  Even when I have free tie lately, I don't do the things I love, but rather something that doesn't take any effort at all - like watch TV or a movie - so I don't have to make any more work for myself.  I really miss joy.

I was thinking earlier that it seems like nothing is going right lately - like the universe has it in for me or something.  Then I had this image of what I've done to myself. I feel like I've created this box around me and when I try something, it bounces against the interior of the box with a negative effect.  like if I get our of bed in the morning with a spring in my step, I promptly stub my toe on something to remind me that joy is not mine to have.  Find joy... release joy... joy finds inside of box... joy recoils... joy lashes back as stubbed toe... joy vanishes.  So I need to find a way to remove the box.  Joy is in there, I can feel it - sometimes - I just need to find a way to allow it to flourish.

That's the next thing.  I find myself sucked up more and more in negative thoughts about my husband.  I don't like much about him these days.  I find him to be irritating, self-absorbed, mean and un-empathetic - oh, and one of the worst examples of a Dad I know.  He wasn't around much when the kids were young because he worked a bunch - nights and weekends on the job were the norm.  I was like a single parent, but then he would but in when he was around and over-rule me when he wanted to do his own thing, or didn't like the way I was doing things.  He's around more now and the kids are much older, but he we still have very different parenting philosophies and styles. He's a command and control - respect me kind of guy and I'm a teachable moment, let them learn from their mistakes kinda gal - oil and water in the parenting world.  We clash more than the kids screw up!  I've learned, for the most part of back off, but there are times when what he does is truly detrimental to the child.  And, given the climate of suicide, drugs, and other issues among teens today, I'm just not willing to take the risks that his way is best when all of hte parenting classes I've taken confirm that my approach will at least 'do not harm'.

Don't get me wrong, our kids are essentially good.  Zach will graduate (fingers crossed) in a few months and go on to community college where he will thrive among a new peer group that hopefully will find him as interesting and awesome as I do. Soph is a bit more of a challenge, but it could also just be 8th grade.  She is a beautiful, strong-willed girl who can do anything she puts her mind toward - anything!  To that she is unlimited in what she can accomplish.  Currently she is putting her mind to mischief and misbehavior - a daily challenge for the school and me, but I know this will pass. I just need her to continue to trust me and work with me so I can continue to help her understand her potential - and continue to navigate her medical and mental health issues and appointments - in the end it's all the same thing :)

So here I am, in my box, with a hostile-ish marriage and kids who are basically good, but challenging.  Do I want too much?  Do I think to much - is ignorance really such bliss?  If so, I'd like some of that please.Instead, I'm stuck with a brain that runs a million miles a minute and doesn't stop giving me possibile things to focus on or do - but that I don't have the time or money to pursue - frustrating!!!  And, I have a house full of stuff as a reminder of all of the things I've started but not accomplished in my life - but still would like to do, and think about ALL the time!!!  HELP!!!  I'm drowning in my box in my own thoughts :(

Oh, and by the way did I mention that today is day 28 of the government shutdown.  I was called back to work last week to do intermittent work.  I was asked by our workforce management office to make some site updates for them and had to do some creative stuff to make it happen and make editing easier moving forward - AND make the information easier for employees to find.  I got a phone call to see when I would get it done - not even an email to say thank you for getting it done over the weekend, during the furlough, while not getting paid.  Then I get tasked to put together a datacall for our ACIOs to make sure information on their website is up to date.  I worked for three days on that - not even an acknowledgement, nothing.  So frustrating to work so hard without any validation.  All this after working my ass off this year to make a project happen that is 20 years in the making with the lowest performance rating of my career.  Still in my box, still throwing mental daggers that defect and hit me in the forehead!

I'm letting myself dip deep into a place that I do not want to go.  I had a dream that I was leading a parade of people and as we walked on a path of stone, we entered a wide opening, we continued on the path and went through another opening that was a bit smaller and then another, still smaller and so on until we reached an opening that we could not fit through.  It was terrifying to thin that there were hundreds of people behind me that would continue to move through the openings and pile up upon us at the head of the pack with no where to go.  I awoke with a feeling of dread that we would all be crushed by the pack, and that it would all be my fault for leading us to our end.

I so feel this way about each day now that I am responsible for leading my children, co-workers, subordinates, friends down a path that I do not know how to navigate myself.  At first it all appears to be fine, understandable, easy, even fun.  And then it comes to a point where it becomes more difficult, but manageable. Now I am at the point where I will be crushed by the path itself, unable to move forward, and with no way to return to the safety of the previous path.  ow will I emerge from this?  How can I continue to live as if I am capable of leading these important followers when I cannot rely on my own instincts.  Where are we to go?

 

Okay universe, do your stuff - please guide me to do and know what I need to get out of this funk - or send me an angel who can help.  Boy I miss my Dad!

Feeling like crap today...

So there's no sugar coating on this day, no pithy anecdotes to make this prettier than it is.  Just a crappy day.  I woke up tired, but okay.  Then I had to deal with being little Mary sunshine to get the kids out of bed.  I guess there's spoiled - not sure how what I can do about it - need some help in that department - hopefully the behavior therapist will help.

Really I'm trying my best, i realize we all are.  People have stopped talking to me - I guess getting your bitch on isn't appreciated by everyone.  I can't help it, im just tired of doing, doing, doing all the time and then people telling me that I should slow down, not do so much, but when I do, everything falls to pieces and it's that much harder to catch up again later. 

Out house is a great example of that - if I work my ass off to get it together, and then slack afterward - or dare I expect others to chip in to help - the place is a mess and worse than ever.

My house, the kids and all of the other stuff I complain about here really aren't the problem.  I was thinking this morning that the real problem is I just what someone to WANT to be with me - WITH ME.  I'm so lonely for the deep relationships that I just don't understand how to have.  I'm admittedly a terrible friend.  People give up on me after awhile and I'm left alone.  or, I open my big mouth and then folks think I'm a bitch - when all I really want is to be friends.

I'm so confused, I'm not sure what I want anymore or even how to get it.  I've become an enigma even to myself.  I really need a break, but I don't even know how to do that. 


I'm always chasing something that I feel like I'll never achieve.  Something with the kids, or at work, or even a clean house.  Today I'm just miserable, and I'm at work, and I have to put a smile on and meet with people and stuff - not thrilled about that.

I wish I had a friend that I could just get bitchy with just air it all out and they would listen and tell me everything will be okay.  Really sad realization is that this blog is the closest thing I have to the unconditional friendship I seek.  Bleh.  I guess I have to look at - at least I have this.  It could always be worse.  Pathetic as it is.

Should probably do some work today...

Gettin my Glad on... some how...

So the universe prophetically suggested that in order to get things together, I get glad, specifically...

"There's nothing, Allison, that a glad heart can't eventually have, do, or become.


Gladly,

The Universe
 
p.s. The best things in life are indeed free, Allison, but eventually, so is everything else for those who are happy first."

When things are falling down around me,

I just want to put it out there... If anything happens to me or my kids tonight or any other in the future - check out their dad. He's very unstable today and has been threatening zach. I'm worried for him and will do everything I can to protect him. Tomorrow I will f
Begin the finish the estate and get anreferal for am divorce lawyer. We can't live like this any more. It's going to kill one of us eventually. There is no peace. The stress of living around mike is just too much. I'd rather try to figure out how to do this alone. Understand its not physical with me but he hits zach and I can't handle it. He's just a boy withe problems - now one of the biggest problems is his dad. It's not fair to be 9 and not get the love and adoration of your father. He will be really fd up if this doesn't stop not to mention his sister who gets the privilege of witnessing the craziness. I hate to see this one sided behavior from mike. Sophie can do and act the same way as zach and he tolerates it. Insome respects here medical history is a shield. For that she's lucky. Zach on the other hand gets the brunt of it all. Don't get memwrong the abuse isn't really physical it's emotional. He gets beat on in his psyche and that's the hardest to heal - I should know mike doesmit tome too. Gotta go.

So today didn't start out that bad.  Actually it started rather smoothly for a Monday.  Right now though, I am NOT feeling the love of the universe!  I'm really just feeling tremendous pressure and no real escape.  I can't seem to do anything right today.  Can't concentrate - dropping the ball on everything.  Seems that life gets a bit harder to live each day.

I'm feeling really worthless right now, like I can't do anything right.  Send me an angel, please.  I need some encouragement today and some help coming to resolution on many problems.  HELP!

Letting go...

Today I'm having a problem letting go of some of my past. Nothing tawdry or scandalous, just a portion of my professional life that was very important to me but didn't work out the way I planned. It's complicated, but maybe just the act of jotting it down will help me release it. Here goes...

In 1999 I began a crusade (of sorts) to bring the web technical people of my organization together through an annual face to face workshop. IT started small, but soon drew the interest of our larger parent organization and sister components. It grew and grew and became quite a large event - as our organization technical events go, and very sought after by staff from around the country. As the coordinator, I worked with other parts of the organization and outside organizations to make it an interesting, compelling, and organizationally important experience for all attendees.

In 2004, the conference hit a new high with full participation from all organization entities, pre/post-conference training events, and satellite meetings, including an important leadership council. In 2005 we were asked to up the ante and provide working sessions to solve some of the organization's problems from the ground up. That year was our peak (although we didn't know it at the time) with interest from very upper management to act on specific issues and bring some of the solutions to fruition. From these two conferences came a mandate to form a special committee to lead the change - I was aksed to chair the committee and provide overall leadership - albeit from my current position in the organization, not as a promotion or special appointment. I took it and ran with it - trying my best to be a leader without authority, without staff who reported to me. I did have a committee of passionate people, that like me wanted to make a difference and bring positive change to the organization and how we did business on the web.

We worked like crazy identifying issues, creating project plans, writing policy, drafting proposals, and briefing councils and other leadership on our activities and recommendations. The bottom line was there was will, but no money - so we learned about the budget system and work hard (again) to get funding identified for out years. We recommended plans to establish a dedicated group of people to do the job that the committee was trying to accomplish ad hoc.

We were making progress, people were listening, plans were being made. And then the bottom fell out... to be continued.