Feeling like crap today...

So there's no sugar coating on this day, no pithy anecdotes to make this prettier than it is.  Just a crappy day.  I woke up tired, but okay.  Then I had to deal with being little Mary sunshine to get the kids out of bed.  I guess there's spoiled - not sure how what I can do about it - need some help in that department - hopefully the behavior therapist will help.

Really I'm trying my best, i realize we all are.  People have stopped talking to me - I guess getting your bitch on isn't appreciated by everyone.  I can't help it, im just tired of doing, doing, doing all the time and then people telling me that I should slow down, not do so much, but when I do, everything falls to pieces and it's that much harder to catch up again later. 

Out house is a great example of that - if I work my ass off to get it together, and then slack afterward - or dare I expect others to chip in to help - the place is a mess and worse than ever.

My house, the kids and all of the other stuff I complain about here really aren't the problem.  I was thinking this morning that the real problem is I just what someone to WANT to be with me - WITH ME.  I'm so lonely for the deep relationships that I just don't understand how to have.  I'm admittedly a terrible friend.  People give up on me after awhile and I'm left alone.  or, I open my big mouth and then folks think I'm a bitch - when all I really want is to be friends.

I'm so confused, I'm not sure what I want anymore or even how to get it.  I've become an enigma even to myself.  I really need a break, but I don't even know how to do that. 


I'm always chasing something that I feel like I'll never achieve.  Something with the kids, or at work, or even a clean house.  Today I'm just miserable, and I'm at work, and I have to put a smile on and meet with people and stuff - not thrilled about that.

I wish I had a friend that I could just get bitchy with just air it all out and they would listen and tell me everything will be okay.  Really sad realization is that this blog is the closest thing I have to the unconditional friendship I seek.  Bleh.  I guess I have to look at - at least I have this.  It could always be worse.  Pathetic as it is.

Should probably do some work today...