My last post was some time ago and at the beginning of my ultimate downward spiral. As in any spiriling descent, the motions beging slowly with a wide arc allowing for time to gradually adjust to eht change in trajectory and speed. As time progresses, and the arc is honed by speed and other factors, the descent hastens, moving closer and closer to the final descent and ultimate colapse.

I believe I'm getting near the end in my journey. I've lost most of my desire to participate in even the most perviously enjoyable activities. I'm currently living from hug to hug from my children as they are the last essences that bring me joy.

While the descent has been painful at times, this last bit is excruciating, both mentally and physically.

I'm searching for strength each day to go through the motions, say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done and then rest. The only peace is in sleep - but that too is fleeting.

I feel isolated beyond belief. Out of control of my life and my surroundings. Things I wonce was so sure of are now full of doubt. I feel that others doubt me as well, and that I just may never live up to their expectations again.

I know there is something else out there but it seems so out of reach. For most of my adult life, I have had a plan and the drive to meet my goals. To date, I have reached 90% of what I had envisioned for my life. These are mostly physical things like a family, a house with a yard, a good career, enough money to support the family and live well.

At the end of the day, I have built a wonderful life. I just don't know how to live in it. I'm stuck. I need some help, but I don't know where to turn.