Today sucks.
So, today sucks. I feel like crap inside and out. How did I get here? I've been thinking... It all started several decades ago. I was in my 20s and reckless, looking for love or something like love, more like affection, or just attention really. Something or someone to acknowledge that I was alive and worth something. Shhh, don't tell anyone, but I think I'm still searching for that :(
Well, that searching let to some bad behaviors. I often confused sex for love - or at least gave it in return for love that I never found. I was a really lost little girl looking for someone to take care of me, I still am.
Fast forward a few years and I met someone who seemed a bit more stable than the others - at least played the game better. He worked hard, made money and seemed to genuinely care for me. So, I married him. He was never perfect, actually far from it. He was, and still is, a volatile individual. For many years our schedules were such that we only really saw each other on Sundays and briefly throughout the week, so we endured the disagreements and full out fights. Then, we decided to have children. This was not flip decision, we had been trying and it didn't seem to be working 'naturally', so we enlisted the help of professionals. Lots of time, anxiety, energy and money later, we had a fine baby boy. I was smitten and he adored him. Then, surprise, three-ish years later, all on our own, we found out about baby number two - unbelievable! We were ecstatic, everything they told us to do we had done... buy a home, have a couple of kids, get a bigger house with a hard, mini-van, the whole enchilada. It was good for awhile, and then it was really bad.
When Soph got sick, the world stopped. All of our plans came to a screeching halt. nothing mattered other than keeping those kids safe and getting Soph healthy again. After a grueling 18 months, she recovered. Then the real fun began. She was in and out of the hospital over the next several years with one ailment or another. Zach had his own issues with school, mental health, etc.. Then once Soph's medical issues seemed to subside, the behavioral stuff took hold (along with puberty) and the world got hard again. The medical stuff was easy in comparison. When your kid has cancer, everyone rallies around and tried to help, doctors, nurses, and other healthcare folks come out of the woodworks to help you cope. But once you're deemed, "cured" you're on your own to figure out toe aftermath of that trauma that is now your life.
The aftermath is empty. It's full of doctors that don't talk to each other, that require me to keep track of everything. And everyone else doesn't stop living, or getting sick, or having problems while we work through the aftermath. It all just keeps on moving forward on this great conveyor belt. Like at the airport, but without those breaks in the side rails to get off and walk occasionally. The belt keeps on moving, not matter what, and sometimes, just for kicks it seems, it speeds up! Add a dysfunctional - likely mismatched - marriage to the mix and you've got a cocktail for agony.
My marriage has never been ideal. We don't agree on much and when we do it' usually because one of us caves and does what the other wants - feels like me most of the time, but probably more balanced than I think. I used to have fun, do fun things, be creative, laugh, tell jokes, and really enjoy life. Now, I just live it - waiting for the end of each day so I can put my head on the pillow and sleep to do it all again tomorrow. I do most things because I have to, not because I want to. Even when I have free tie lately, I don't do the things I love, but rather something that doesn't take any effort at all - like watch TV or a movie - so I don't have to make any more work for myself. I really miss joy.
I was thinking earlier that it seems like nothing is going right lately - like the universe has it in for me or something. Then I had this image of what I've done to myself. I feel like I've created this box around me and when I try something, it bounces against the interior of the box with a negative effect. like if I get our of bed in the morning with a spring in my step, I promptly stub my toe on something to remind me that joy is not mine to have. Find joy... release joy... joy finds inside of box... joy recoils... joy lashes back as stubbed toe... joy vanishes. So I need to find a way to remove the box. Joy is in there, I can feel it - sometimes - I just need to find a way to allow it to flourish.
That's the next thing. I find myself sucked up more and more in negative thoughts about my husband. I don't like much about him these days. I find him to be irritating, self-absorbed, mean and un-empathetic - oh, and one of the worst examples of a Dad I know. He wasn't around much when the kids were young because he worked a bunch - nights and weekends on the job were the norm. I was like a single parent, but then he would but in when he was around and over-rule me when he wanted to do his own thing, or didn't like the way I was doing things. He's around more now and the kids are much older, but he we still have very different parenting philosophies and styles. He's a command and control - respect me kind of guy and I'm a teachable moment, let them learn from their mistakes kinda gal - oil and water in the parenting world. We clash more than the kids screw up! I've learned, for the most part of back off, but there are times when what he does is truly detrimental to the child. And, given the climate of suicide, drugs, and other issues among teens today, I'm just not willing to take the risks that his way is best when all of hte parenting classes I've taken confirm that my approach will at least 'do not harm'.
Don't get me wrong, our kids are essentially good. Zach will graduate (fingers crossed) in a few months and go on to community college where he will thrive among a new peer group that hopefully will find him as interesting and awesome as I do. Soph is a bit more of a challenge, but it could also just be 8th grade. She is a beautiful, strong-willed girl who can do anything she puts her mind toward - anything! To that she is unlimited in what she can accomplish. Currently she is putting her mind to mischief and misbehavior - a daily challenge for the school and me, but I know this will pass. I just need her to continue to trust me and work with me so I can continue to help her understand her potential - and continue to navigate her medical and mental health issues and appointments - in the end it's all the same thing :)
So here I am, in my box, with a hostile-ish marriage and kids who are basically good, but challenging. Do I want too much? Do I think to much - is ignorance really such bliss? If so, I'd like some of that please.Instead, I'm stuck with a brain that runs a million miles a minute and doesn't stop giving me possibile things to focus on or do - but that I don't have the time or money to pursue - frustrating!!! And, I have a house full of stuff as a reminder of all of the things I've started but not accomplished in my life - but still would like to do, and think about ALL the time!!! HELP!!! I'm drowning in my box in my own thoughts :(
Oh, and by the way did I mention that today is day 28 of the government shutdown. I was called back to work last week to do intermittent work. I was asked by our workforce management office to make some site updates for them and had to do some creative stuff to make it happen and make editing easier moving forward - AND make the information easier for employees to find. I got a phone call to see when I would get it done - not even an email to say thank you for getting it done over the weekend, during the furlough, while not getting paid. Then I get tasked to put together a datacall for our ACIOs to make sure information on their website is up to date. I worked for three days on that - not even an acknowledgement, nothing. So frustrating to work so hard without any validation. All this after working my ass off this year to make a project happen that is 20 years in the making with the lowest performance rating of my career. Still in my box, still throwing mental daggers that defect and hit me in the forehead!
Well, that searching let to some bad behaviors. I often confused sex for love - or at least gave it in return for love that I never found. I was a really lost little girl looking for someone to take care of me, I still am.
Fast forward a few years and I met someone who seemed a bit more stable than the others - at least played the game better. He worked hard, made money and seemed to genuinely care for me. So, I married him. He was never perfect, actually far from it. He was, and still is, a volatile individual. For many years our schedules were such that we only really saw each other on Sundays and briefly throughout the week, so we endured the disagreements and full out fights. Then, we decided to have children. This was not flip decision, we had been trying and it didn't seem to be working 'naturally', so we enlisted the help of professionals. Lots of time, anxiety, energy and money later, we had a fine baby boy. I was smitten and he adored him. Then, surprise, three-ish years later, all on our own, we found out about baby number two - unbelievable! We were ecstatic, everything they told us to do we had done... buy a home, have a couple of kids, get a bigger house with a hard, mini-van, the whole enchilada. It was good for awhile, and then it was really bad.
When Soph got sick, the world stopped. All of our plans came to a screeching halt. nothing mattered other than keeping those kids safe and getting Soph healthy again. After a grueling 18 months, she recovered. Then the real fun began. She was in and out of the hospital over the next several years with one ailment or another. Zach had his own issues with school, mental health, etc.. Then once Soph's medical issues seemed to subside, the behavioral stuff took hold (along with puberty) and the world got hard again. The medical stuff was easy in comparison. When your kid has cancer, everyone rallies around and tried to help, doctors, nurses, and other healthcare folks come out of the woodworks to help you cope. But once you're deemed, "cured" you're on your own to figure out toe aftermath of that trauma that is now your life.
The aftermath is empty. It's full of doctors that don't talk to each other, that require me to keep track of everything. And everyone else doesn't stop living, or getting sick, or having problems while we work through the aftermath. It all just keeps on moving forward on this great conveyor belt. Like at the airport, but without those breaks in the side rails to get off and walk occasionally. The belt keeps on moving, not matter what, and sometimes, just for kicks it seems, it speeds up! Add a dysfunctional - likely mismatched - marriage to the mix and you've got a cocktail for agony.
My marriage has never been ideal. We don't agree on much and when we do it' usually because one of us caves and does what the other wants - feels like me most of the time, but probably more balanced than I think. I used to have fun, do fun things, be creative, laugh, tell jokes, and really enjoy life. Now, I just live it - waiting for the end of each day so I can put my head on the pillow and sleep to do it all again tomorrow. I do most things because I have to, not because I want to. Even when I have free tie lately, I don't do the things I love, but rather something that doesn't take any effort at all - like watch TV or a movie - so I don't have to make any more work for myself. I really miss joy.
I was thinking earlier that it seems like nothing is going right lately - like the universe has it in for me or something. Then I had this image of what I've done to myself. I feel like I've created this box around me and when I try something, it bounces against the interior of the box with a negative effect. like if I get our of bed in the morning with a spring in my step, I promptly stub my toe on something to remind me that joy is not mine to have. Find joy... release joy... joy finds inside of box... joy recoils... joy lashes back as stubbed toe... joy vanishes. So I need to find a way to remove the box. Joy is in there, I can feel it - sometimes - I just need to find a way to allow it to flourish.
That's the next thing. I find myself sucked up more and more in negative thoughts about my husband. I don't like much about him these days. I find him to be irritating, self-absorbed, mean and un-empathetic - oh, and one of the worst examples of a Dad I know. He wasn't around much when the kids were young because he worked a bunch - nights and weekends on the job were the norm. I was like a single parent, but then he would but in when he was around and over-rule me when he wanted to do his own thing, or didn't like the way I was doing things. He's around more now and the kids are much older, but he we still have very different parenting philosophies and styles. He's a command and control - respect me kind of guy and I'm a teachable moment, let them learn from their mistakes kinda gal - oil and water in the parenting world. We clash more than the kids screw up! I've learned, for the most part of back off, but there are times when what he does is truly detrimental to the child. And, given the climate of suicide, drugs, and other issues among teens today, I'm just not willing to take the risks that his way is best when all of hte parenting classes I've taken confirm that my approach will at least 'do not harm'.
Don't get me wrong, our kids are essentially good. Zach will graduate (fingers crossed) in a few months and go on to community college where he will thrive among a new peer group that hopefully will find him as interesting and awesome as I do. Soph is a bit more of a challenge, but it could also just be 8th grade. She is a beautiful, strong-willed girl who can do anything she puts her mind toward - anything! To that she is unlimited in what she can accomplish. Currently she is putting her mind to mischief and misbehavior - a daily challenge for the school and me, but I know this will pass. I just need her to continue to trust me and work with me so I can continue to help her understand her potential - and continue to navigate her medical and mental health issues and appointments - in the end it's all the same thing :)
So here I am, in my box, with a hostile-ish marriage and kids who are basically good, but challenging. Do I want too much? Do I think to much - is ignorance really such bliss? If so, I'd like some of that please.Instead, I'm stuck with a brain that runs a million miles a minute and doesn't stop giving me possibile things to focus on or do - but that I don't have the time or money to pursue - frustrating!!! And, I have a house full of stuff as a reminder of all of the things I've started but not accomplished in my life - but still would like to do, and think about ALL the time!!! HELP!!! I'm drowning in my box in my own thoughts :(
Oh, and by the way did I mention that today is day 28 of the government shutdown. I was called back to work last week to do intermittent work. I was asked by our workforce management office to make some site updates for them and had to do some creative stuff to make it happen and make editing easier moving forward - AND make the information easier for employees to find. I got a phone call to see when I would get it done - not even an email to say thank you for getting it done over the weekend, during the furlough, while not getting paid. Then I get tasked to put together a datacall for our ACIOs to make sure information on their website is up to date. I worked for three days on that - not even an acknowledgement, nothing. So frustrating to work so hard without any validation. All this after working my ass off this year to make a project happen that is 20 years in the making with the lowest performance rating of my career. Still in my box, still throwing mental daggers that defect and hit me in the forehead!
posted by Allisoussi | 8:35 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home